Hollywood, CA. Celebrities who have fallen on hard times often sell memorabilia collected over their careers. In recent months, a new trend seems to have overtaken Hollywood. The rich and famous who are not quite as rich and famous as they once were have recently resorted to a rather dramatic ploy (by Western standards) to improve their financial condition. They have taken to auctioning off their children.
“I needed to raise money fast,” said one celebrity L.A. mom who hid her face in a paper sack in order to remain anonymous. “I auctioned off my youngest to a very nice family in the Hancock-adjacent area, very nice house, with a pool and everything. I’m sure Junior will be quite happy there, especially knowing he helped Mommy pay off her mortgage and get out of credit card debt.”
Before you get too excited about bidding on the offspring of your favorite movie stars, you should know certain rules apply. For example, you aren’t allowed to resell the children into any form of slavery. You aren’t allowed to have sex with them. (You aren’t allowed to abuse your own children, either, but that law doesn’t seem to stop anyone). In addition, you are prohibited from using them for reptile feed. In other words, you have to be willing to provide a stable and respectful if not loving home for them until they are eighteen, at which time you are free to eject them from your care.
If the prospect of raising the child of a famous movie personality excites you, you should also know the stock for the most rich and famous offspring is severely limited. As we all know from the laws of supply and demand, when there is a limited supply of something everyone wants, the prices will tend to rise. We have been informed, for example, that bidding for the children of Beyonce will begin at one billion dollars. Each. However, you can find quite affordable children if you are willing to settle for second- or third-tier kids from celebrities such as Gary Busey and politicans such as Donald Trump, should additional underage children come to light.
Why would you want to bid on celebrity children? Mainly for status, polls show. People think it would be cool to own a child of Bradley Cooper, for example. You could dress it up and parade it around town. Of course, the social media publicity opportunities are limitless. And, as people often have noted, just because you can’t resell them or have sex with them doesn’t mean you can’t put them to work for you. So far, celebrity kids are learning about farming, meat packing, baby sitting, and truck driving, to name just a few character-building occupations. Marvin Ritter from Portland, Oregon, said, “It’s akin to renting out goats to clear blackberries off vacant land.”
Some successful bidders have found their investment paying off within several years.